💕 JoTita Gonçalves 💕 - Eu a "Nu e cru - sem rodeios"

Existe alguém que eu conheço há muito tempo...desde os meus 14 anos para ser mais exata... A Marina apareceu na minha vida como uma mão amiga... num dos piores episódios que vivi... 

A Marina era atenciosa e prestável, estava sempre lá para me dar apoio... Mas eu não confiei em si de imediato... pelo contrário, demorei bastante tempo para começar a deixá-la aproximar-se... (Na minha cabeça sempre pensei - e mesmo ainda agora - não adianta deixar ninguém entrar no meu coração ou vida, porque assim que eu começo a gostar, confiar e a abri-me com alguém, essa pessoa vai-se embora... Então, de que é que adianta?!)

Lembro-me de algumas situações desses tempos: a Marina tentava meter conversa comigo, fazia perguntas simples e eu apenas abanava com a cabeça, sim ou não, eu não falava muito. A Marina a brincar dizia que eu tinha mutismo. Eu podia ver o quanto a Marina estava a tentar - genuinamente... Ainda não estava totalmente convencida! Mas a Marina foi persistente e finalmente cativou-me... No início, não era isso que eu queria e fiquei com raiva de mim mesma por ter sido fraca e ter baixado a guarda, deixando as minhas barreiras cair! Desde esse consciente momento, eu já me estava a preparar para que a qualquer momento a Marina me dissesse que em breve já não iria estar lá mais para mim... Mas a Marina não foi embora! A Marina ficou um pouco mais e, na verdade, fui eu quem acabou por "partir" desta vez, a certa altura. Lembro-me de quando a Marina me ajudou a abrir-me consigo pela primeira vez e aí, foi quando tivemos a primeira de muitas conversas a sério... A Marina segurava a minha mão suavemente, fazia-lhe mimos, enquanto eu comecei a contar-lhe a minha experiência má e estava a chorar. Desde então, por não me sentir julgada, senti-me mais próxima de si e é como se tivessemos sido "conectadas" de alguma forma. Aos poucos eu sentia a necessidade de vê-la, então procurava-a, pois precisava de receber os seus abraços e miminhos - a Marina era um dos meus poucos lugares seguros! 

Confissão: a primeira vez que a Marina me disse "gosto muito de ti" eu fiquei tão envergonhada... e, como nunca ninguém me tinha dito isso antes, achei que a Marina era estranha. E isso afastou-me um pouco de si por alguns instantes... Essa foi uma das razões de eu não ter respondido, mas também porque não sabia o que dizer! Até que acabei por me habituar, aprendi a responder e até comecei a precisar de o ouvir com mais frequência.

A Marina começou a ser alguém que eu já não poderia viver sem... Era exatamente isso que eu não queria que acontecesse... mas bem, eu estava vulnerável e a Marina fez o seu trabalho muito bem, não porque era a sua função, mas porque genuinamente se importou... e isso fez toda a diferença! 

A Marina foi essencial na minha vida naquela altura, acho que não teria conseguido ultrapassar tudo aquilo sem si - definitivamente...! A Marina foi comigo ao tribunal, segurou uma das minhas mãos enquanto eu estava a depor, ... protegeu-me e fez-me sentir segura como nunca antes me tinha sentido - e era exatamente isso que eu precisava!

Infelizmente, há muitas coisas que o meu cérebro resolveu bloquear ou apenas colocou em segundo plano, então eu não me lembro de algumas coisas quando conversamos... Para mim é como se a Marina estivesse a contar a história de outra pessoa, embora eu também seja uma das personagens! Mesmo assim, ainda tenho muitas boas recordações desses tempos... Elas são preciosas para mim e guardo-as no meu coração como um tesouro valioso!

Mesmo que os nossos caminhos no final se tenham “separado” - a vida acontece, como a Marina diz - ainda bem que sempre mantivemos contato e você continua a ser a MINHA Marininha - uma das poucas pessoas a quem recorro e uma peça indispensável no quebra-cabeça que é a minha vida!

Sou muito grata pela sua persistência e teimosia, a Marina deu-me esperança, luz e mais importante: ensinou-me o que significa amar, porque é exatamente como a Marina me fazia sentir, e ainda FAZ: amada! Sem medo de expressar o que sinto, por mais embaraçoso que pareça e "gosto muito de ti/amo-te muito" faz parte do meu vocabulário desde esse tempo! Obrigada!

Obrigada por me fazer ver a vida com uma perspectiva diferente, por aprender que a confiança é uma coisa boa, que nem todos os limites ou barreira impostas têm de ser aplicadas em todas as situações: pois há exceções. A Marina fez e ainda faz, parte do meu crescimento físico, emocional e pessoal e isso é algo de que eu nunca me esqueço...

Porque acho que nunca expressei a minha gratidão para consigo em condições, espero que este pequeno texto lhe mostre o quanto a Marina é importante para mim!

Amo-a muito para *sempre* MINHA Marininha!  

(a MELHOR Psicóloga do MUNDO!)

Beijinhos da sua Joaninha 

Situation 2: One of the People We Support (PWS) was released on his own from a Day Centre Gardening, even though he was under DOLS.

The person was asked if it would be of interest to go and spend the day at the place, the person was very excited, the risk assessment was written, the documentation was all filled in and sent to the agency taking the lead on the activity, the person was accompanied to the place on the day and time agreed, he was dropped off safe, the time to be picked up was also reconfirmed, some important information was passed on and the person was left on the premises with the regular staff leading the activity.

So, when looking at what was done, it seems that all the main points were covered, right? The person was involved, and his wishes were taken into consideration; the documentation was done including the risk assessment; there was communication between the two companies; … 

So, what could be missing?

➔ In the documentation that was filled in, there was no mention that the PWS was under DOLS (there was no question about it and neither did I mention it!);

➔ On the day, before leaving him there, it was mentioned again a few things, including that the person was a high risk of choking so he would need to be monitored whilst eating and drinking (well, the answer was: “We don’t have enough staff for that!” - they didn’t take the matter seriously and he was left there even so. The result: even though he took his packed lunch with him, staff from the day centre gardening, left him to go out on his own to buy some food on a nearby shop - he ended up having food that was not recommended for him - but no choking incident was reported to us, fortunately;

➔ The picked-up time agreed with the regular staff member from the Day Centre gardening was between 3:30 and 4 pm, so our Support Worker has agreed to come and collect him up around 3:30pm. Around 2:45pm our Service received a phone call from the Day Centre informing us that the PWS had gotten bored and requested to go home around 2:15pm, therefore, there was no need for our staff to come and pick him up, as he had left the premises on his own.

So, here was when all the trouble started! I was informed 30 min after he left the premises; no one knew what route it had been taken - if he caught any bus (if so, which one, where to?), if he was safe walking around on his own in the very busy main street and the big roundabout; he had no mobile phone with him, so, therefore, there was no way I could try to contact him; and the list of worries just kept going on and on. So, I and another colleague decided that we would split the work into 2: while one would deal with the phone calls (police, managers, family, …), the other would make a plan to split the rest of the team in order to try finding him. So, I’ve chosen to lead the team. My first action was thinking about what were the places the person regularly used to go. All team members would mention places and then people were split into different directions. Each team member would have a picture of the person missing so, this would be the main tool used to try to know if anyone had seen him around the area. All team members had their personal mobile phones, to keep everyone informed of any updates. There were even some people from other Service, joining us on the search. The other colleague stayed at home making all the phone calls and dealing with the police. There were also 2 other staff members there to make sure all the other PWS were looked after. So, if the person missing would come back home, there were be someone to open the door and all team would be informed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outcome: A few hours later the person missing was found by one of our staff members, just 2 minutes away from home after being in town, going to a CD’s shop, going to his favourite coffee shop and finally his last stop was in the corner shop. He was very happy, seemed confident and he was completely safe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lessons learnt: 

1. He was able to be more independent than he had credit for - he caught all the correct buses, went to different places with a plan and he always knew where to go, so his DOLS had to be revised; 

2. When filling in documents, I must be sure ALL IMPORTANT information is put in there; also, if there is no specific space for some details (like if the PWS is under DOLS), to make sure I’ll still add the information and, before the documents are handed over, must be revised by one of the managers;

3. When the risk assessment was written, there were elements that were not pounder on, like what to do if this situation would happen, so, I must make sure all possible outcomes are thought out thoroughly in advance to prevent surprises and have already a detailed plan in case it needs to be used;

4. The PWS didn’t have any way of being contacted while in the community, so I must make sure he takes his mobile phone with him before going out, that it’s charged, that the person also knows how to use it and who to contact in case of feeling unsafe, unwell or in an emergency to call for help;

5. Because each person remained calm and followed instructions, the outcome was positive, and all work was done in an orderly way.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It may be good to emphasise that under the duty of candour it has been my role to ensure that relatives were informed of the 2 situations, ensured openness and transparency as a service. This was confirmed by CQC when discussing each situation. 

Above I’ve described two exceptional situations that will always be in my memory as challenges and grown-up moments. Most of the time, when people talk about care, they don’t mention how hard it can be, how dangerous and draining it can become. But care is much more than those difficult moments. When I see someone’s smile after making a simple cup of tea by themselves, being able to do their shopping list, being able to say a difficult word correctly, being discharged to live in the community after months of intensive rehabilitation; … there is no price for that! In my role, it is my responsibility to give the staff a good example, support and oversee areas that might need improvement in order to make the teamwork in a unit. Being observant, having good communication skills and being approachable is the beginning of success. Also, making sure that my training is up to date is essential for my personal development but also for keeping the company’s high standards. I’ve been given the opportunity to supervise and be responsible for the weekly COSHH products check, file updates and stocks; to monitor the fire panel, do the weekly fire alarm test, participate in the drills; be the Medication Functional Role - this means be the person that deals with everything related with medication - weekly checks, reorders, check medication in/out, do the returns; be the one in charge of the new staff induction; being a key worker and I even had the opportunity of being seated in some job interviews (having the questions ready in front of me for the participants).   

As we are aware, care has much more involved than just being with and helping people - there is a lot of work that needs to be done on the “backstage”. Before I was a senior, I was not aware of all this “hidden” workload, but now I really enjoy making sure that I have enough forms; the care plans are up-to-date (in order to do that - feedback, good records and thorough handovers are essential); book and attend appointments; spot changes, offer suggestions, take some risks; deal with challenging and conflicting situations between PWS and their families (privacy, confidentiality, safeguarding); speak up and make sure things are dealt with promptly and so on.

In conclusion, Care; Compassion; Competence; Communication; Courage and Commitment are qualities that I was not born with, but with effort, drive, and power I’ve made my way through. I’m willing to grow each day, improve and become the best version of myself, this will hopefully give others the chance to see how possible and achievable it is, allowing me to grow together with them. My goal is to be able to take my Level 5 soon.

As a Senior Support Worker and a Shift Leader, my role has big responsibilities that come implicitly with the terms “Senior / Leader”. In care, everyone is under the same legislation, laws, rules and there is always the duty of care that, when in doubt, commands every single action towards the people I support, by having their best interest at heart. When talking about duty of care, I could never forget to mention its best partner - the duty of candour - as both work side by side to promote the safety and wellbeing of the individuals receiving support. I might not know the 6 C’s in their right order, but I know what they mean on my day-to-day at work and I implement them without even thinking about it - they are part of my “uniform”. 

On this self-assessment, I’ve chosen to talk about a few situations that had happened a couple of months ago and that made me realise many things, such as what to do in order to prevent similar situations from happening, be calm and ready to act promptly. There are always improvements that can be done, and I will never know it all. 

Situation 1: At my Service (for people with Acquired Brain Injury that come to us for intensive therapy and rehabilitation), we’ve received a person that also had the Korsakoff Syndrome caused by many years of substance misuse, mostly alcohol. So, we were informed that she would ask for a lot of drinks, because she would not remember that she had had it, due to her poor memory and also as part of her condition. There were incident reports from the hospital because she would not be monitored properly ending up having seizures caused by Hyponatremia (low sodium levels in the blood). She would drink from the taps at any opportunity - she even would ask to go to the toilet on purpose for that, so we had to monitor her very closely 24/7. (There were allocated slots to rotate among the team members.)

We were sent her care plan to our work email during the weekend, in order to get familiarised with her story, what to expect and ways that have proven to work while dealing with it. So, this person arrived on Monday before lunchtime. She was very confused, shouting and with challenging behaviour. Her care plan mentioned that she was known as an aggressive person towards others. She was welcome, reassured, a cup of tea was offered as a distraction, and she had accepted to go and see the room where she was to stay in.

We had a form where we were supposed to write down every drink she would have, including how many millilitres it would be. It has been agreed that she would be allowed to have 1500ml per day.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OUTCOME: On Tuesday around 7pm 999 was contacted because she was having a seizure that looked like to be hyponatremia (getting blue/grey skin, difficulties in breathing; sweats, …) This was confirmed later by the paramedics.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, what happened? There were a lot of things that led to that outcome. 

➔ Not everyone would take her drinking limit serious, therefore, not everyone would write it down;

➔ On the second day, it was given the idea of giving her ½ cup of tea each time, so that way it would allow her to have “more drinks” during the day - because it was noticed that on the day before she had passed the limit; 

➔ We were short staff, and she was supposed to have 1-to-1 all day and all night;

➔ There was a dilemma about going in with her to the toilet, as she was independent, and the dignity and privacy principles were not being respected;

➔ There were times that she would refuse to have someone with her in the bedroom and she would put the staff out and close the door - even though staff would monitor as close as possible (staying outside her bedroom’s door) due to the circumstances and she had the right to her privacy once again, sometimes when they would hear the tap running there was no way to measure what she must have drunk;

➔ There was some information printed out from the Internet about her condition, causes and symptoms, but not everyone had read it. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lessons learnt: 

1. There will be occasions that the best interest will interfere with gold principles, but it is in those situations that my duty of care needs to be strong and the right decision needs to be taken. Even though it might not be very nice to have someone with her in the toilet, it would be in her best interest to make sure she would not have the opportunity to drink water from the tap uncontrollably. We might struggle to do it, but we must see the big picture and all of what it's involved;

2. There were staff that was not prepared to deal with the drinking situation, so this made the work harder. Some training should be given previously in order for everyone to have the same knowledge and skills to deal with the situation seriously and promptly;

3. We were supposed to have an extra member of staff, but not everyone was able to deal with her challenging behaviour, so the slot times were not always respected and most of the time it would need at least 2 people dealing with her - (more people when she was aggressive!);

4. The care plan was not too detailed and there was just a little information compared with the big picture that we had to face;

5. Some staff were not trained enough, others not trained at all, to deal with that type of behaviour;

6. There was not enough supervision and support as things were a bit chaotic;

7. Cases like this can be raised as serious safeguarding issues. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m trying my best to be fair and all I always wanted was to protect you, but in the end, I was the "bad guy"! Well, it served me well, I guess!... But it has served you even better!... (Oh yes, I heard!...) Looks like you were not found so innocent after all, as you've tried to appear... (And "your golden boy" has helped!...) At least, someone had the power and the guts to make you pay for your mistakes... I don't say that I'm happy about that, but I admit that gives me some relief... That was the proof that, in a sense, I needed... because it just proved me so right...! Shame for you, though... but think about it, if you were not to blame they would not find any evidence... As you always said, "we must be accountable for our actions...". Well, your time just came, late but I guess it's better late than never... (I guess that this can be one of the motives that you are not able to deal with more guilt and shame... so you just ignored all of the stuff I was trying to make you aware of... sorry, but I can't accept that as an  excuse, I can understand, but it's not a reason to behave the mean ways  you did...!) You know I will always tell you what I feel and think - even if this means being too honest - I didn't change!... 

Anyway, I wish you all the best... I feel sad that things had to end this way, I know I made mistakes, I’ve said sorry and maybe I should have made different choices in some circumstances, but I'm human and I'm also allowed to have my flaws. As you said, "We don't have to like everyone and not everyone has to like us." I always tried to fix things over and over again... but you never thought that there was anything needing to be fixed... To be honest, I never thought that YOU would be the only person (from the last 8 months) that I would not have any more contact with... in my head, I had so many different ideas... For some reason, I was under the impression that we would be good friends, share our stories, be there for each other, meet up for coffee and stuff... I was just so STUPID & NAIVE!... Always the DREAMER!!! 

I've written in one of the letters that you say you “didn't read”:  

"REMEMBER: "What you give is what you get from me!" - I've always told you that! (...) I don't expect any answer from you because you were always too proud to say sorry or to admit your mistakes! NO WORRIES, I FORGIVE YOU, BUT I DON'T FORGET IT! " 

But the truth is, for there to be forgiveness there has to be an apology... so, I guess I can not forgive you completely!  

What comforts me is to know that my consciousness is clean, and I have nothing to worry about because I don't talk without knowing what I'm saying... I don't assume things and just believe and hope that they are true! You have all the proofs you need in case one day you are interested!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, NEVER AGAIN you will make me feel INFERIOR because I'M NOT... I'M NOT afraid to be myself... I defend what I believe... ALWAYS!... And I don’t care about appearances!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I assume my mistakes and I don't try to avoid the problems with the expectation that, because we don't see and talk about them, they will disappear...eventually!... You should know much better!... I prefer to face it and talk about it before something insignificant like a little misunderstanding becomes something huge!... I think you learnt the lesson in the end...at least, I really hope so!

These were the songs I've dedicated to you. Enjoy and try to understand the messages between the lines!

This is a goodbye post for someone that at some point crossed my life, but I've come to the conclusion that there is no longer any room for someone like that: fake and hypocritical, that pretends and uses others while they are still utile, after that, they are disposed of - just like I was! The OLD you, I would be more than happy to keep in my life - as there are not many people like that anymore (if that person ever even existed!), but this one… NO thank you! I already have plenty of those trying to mess up my life… If there is something that I hate is ungrateful people... and, with this post, I don't mean to be that at all! I just think that I must invest in people who value/appreciate me, my time and my friendship! I've paid more than enough, for anything that you've done for me or helped me with! So, I don't feel in debt with you at all! You've asked to me be happy... well, I guess you will not be part of it!... what a shame!... I will not be able to prove to you that I'm not a bad person, but I guess that if everything I've done for all these years never taught you that, then, you're right... there is nothing else to be said or done! Well, I don't know why did I always look out for your approval... but that time has ended!... 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be happy and enjoy your life! Goodbye!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS. For your own sake, bring back your Old self… or you will end up all alone! It’s not my problem, but I’m just saying it!!! 

(By the way, I'm sure you would enjoy watching this series - it's really nice - "Heartland" - it's on Netflix and (free) on Stremio!)

There is a quote that I've heard last week that made me think a lot:

How true is this!!! There was someone that in the last couple of years, I've been looking to with respect, appreciation and as a role model! For a long time, I was so blind by all the sparkling bits, that I couldn't see any of the true colours behind it! I would be there telling everyone how wonderful you were and how lucky we were for having you! At some point, I couldn't see any flaws because I would always find a reason to justify wherever it would happen...! I used to contemplate how similar we were... and that simple thought would make me feel so proud! (Little did I know what was at the end of the corner waiting for me!) Sometimes, when I look back, I miss those times... things seemed calmer and, at that time, they were running smoothly. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Living an illusion can be good for a while, but also, it's dangerous and a fake reality.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During those almost 2 years, I've enjoyed and learnt a lot of things with you. What I liked the most was how comfortable I felt talking with you, I even managed to confide in you a few things (and it's hard for me to open up...!), I felt understood, listened to, non-judged and free! I always tried to look out for you, because I couldn't stand if someone would try to be mean to you, so I would defend you and, sometimes I even would tell you what was going on! (As some people say, I've misplaced my loyalty to the wrong person - YOU!...) We had times when we seemed like the perfect team, I really loved those moments! I felt so happy and lucky while it lasted! 

But in the last 8 months, things became very weird... and, because I was not seeing only the shiny parts anymore, all my "perfect" vision of you fell apart. I can tell for sure, that during these times, I wondered a lot of things including what to do and even if my life had any value or purpose. All my ways of seeing things changed suddenly and, what before was beautiful and perfect, turned into something heavy and unbearable! From one day to another, it seems that someone had replaced the person I once knew, by just leaving behind the same body and shape but with a completely different personality and heart! So, I would look at that person in front of me, but the one I was actually expecting to reach, was not there anymore! This made me feel so sad and empty! Before I would see us working in the same direction and with the same goals, but now we were complete strangers to each other that had nothing in common. This person was very difficult to talk to (if you would give me any chance for that!) - always right, not willing to listen, cold, distant, insensitive, and impersonal. I really hated that NEW you... The strange thing is that some days, I could see some traces of your "OLD personality" and these would give me some hope, that not everything was lost and maybe I could make you come back.... but the truth is - the "OLD" you never wanted to come back… (There are things that will never gonna change, no matter how hard we try…!) 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, once again, my hopes would drop and here I was, alone again...at this stage, fighting against someone that once I've tried to become...!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At some point, I started to take some things personally and I would be jealous of a few things that before we would share, but now you would not even include me anymore! There were so many days that I just wanted to disappear!... But you know I'm sassy, feisty and I would not give up that easy, so I would show you "my attitude" of disapproval and that some things were not quite right. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. I guess after a while, "my attitude" was the only thing you could see in me...and you just had "to accept" that I would not change or just pretend to be okay with things! I was hoping that you would ask what was wrong and why, but we would not talk much about it because we would never agree on what the problem was and what needed to change. You would just throw at me what I would do wrong and if I would try to tell you your flaws you would not hear it! We would go in a loop that would take us nowhere!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unconsciously, I became like your "NEW personality" - picky, complaining about everything and unhappy! Not all the time I was aware of that... but when I heard some records - I could "see" myself! Oh, I hated that ME...I was so annoying!!!

I always looked at you (unconsciously!) with some "adoration", as someone has told me a few months ago and that honest comment made me feel very upset... but now I kinda can see it myself... I thought you were, not perfect, BUT strong, powerful/invincible, fair, righteous, humble and human... Oh boy, I was so far from the truth!... Sometimes I ask myself if the others were right and you have always been like that since ever, but I just didn't want to see it!... I believed in you so much... I don't know why did I put you in such a high position, but for sure, it was very important for me! (In the end, I could admit that they would be right at times because I could see you doing or saying things that would prove them right!... I hated that... it made me doubt myself and I felt the fool for all the times that I was protecting and defending you!...)

So, as expected, we fell apart day after day... I was sad to see how things changed and you never really tried to find out why. You accepted what you believed was happening, but you never actually tried to question it by yourself... In your opinion, everything was my fault and that was the end of it! (I wish you could have listened to me, as you would have done before, without any questions! We would never get to this point! I've tried to reach the “OLD you”, on different occasions, but you were not interested to be challenged and giving me the benefit of the doubt would mean that there was a possibility that you could be wrong! So, this was not even an option! But WHY? Were you feeling guilty, ashamed, weak, exposed, vulnerable or in denial?! Or were you seeing yourself in me, at some point? There are so many valid options running through in my head right now!...) Well, in the end, it was your choice... for me, it was hard to accept, took time, but after I got it... I can't force no one to do what they don’t want to! We are all free to make our own choices! You’re not an exception!... 

Still, one last time - with nothing to lose for anyone, I've tried to prove to you what I was trying to say for all those months, but guess what? You didn't even bother... (I'm not sure I believe completely in your version of things (lately I didn't trust you at all!) - I'm sure you would be very curious... but anyway...!) Once again, you were always right! Why would you give it a shot and waste a little bit of your precious time? No, not with me... I'm not important... I never was...not at all! (I was just one more person to manipulate and to be one of your puppets while you needed or until I woke up and said "it's enough!"...!)

Again, my illusion made me believe that you would be a considerate person and, at least, you would "see" what was in there! Of course not! You just “got rid of it” (as you've said!) - you preferred once again to be blind by choice than face the reality and admit that you were wrong! Two words: COWARD & CONVENIENT! Why did you become so arrogant and too proud?! Always remember: pretend that something doesn't exist, doesn't make it go away or fix anything!...

You may have destroyed the things (?), well... I haven't! So, if anytime you would like to give it a shot, everything you need is at this link:

1. Download the file;

2. open the .zip folder;

3. open the notepad file;

4. put the password (sent to your WhatsApp with this post's link);

5. you'll have the link with all the protected files!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not that I believe you will ever do it, but, this is my closure to everything that has to do with you, so I don't want to be accused of keeping things "hidden" from you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Today we live in a cash-for-trash world. Anyone can stand up and say anything unkind, unfair or completely untrue about you, and then they are rewarded financially for it… because life is unfair.” — Kathie Lee Gifford 

“If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn’t eat him.” — Unknown 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That quotes are so true! Each one of us has our own demons and personal battles, but if those were not enough, there are people crossing our path that instead of easing our pain, just add even more scars to it! WHY?

We live in a world where everyone is considered someone's enemy! We have our own "less favourite people" and we are that person, at some point in someone's life! This starts from youth. When growing up one of our parents is like our hero and the other is our rival (human nature!) usually girls idolize their fathers and have their mothers as rivals and boys is the other way around (there are many studies in Psychology about it). At school, we are pushed to be the best of our class, if not of our school, at work we are pushed to be the best to keep away the concurrence ... So, seems that is the "normal" way to live... 

This makes me wonder: is all of that really needed? What are we willing to do in order to get where we want to be? Are we allowed to do ANYTHING against the competition? At what cost? What about the ones around us? Can we destroy their lives without any remorse? What makes us better than the others? 

In my point of view, our personality is what makes all the difference during all of our life, our character, attitudes and balanced ambitions - always being humble and willing to improve are the keys to success. Usually, the ones that try to cheat and betray others don't get too far for long. At first, they might get what they want, things might be going pretty well, but at some point - sooner or later - things will be made right! When this day comes, the ones that at one stage were the best will be in the other extreme - no one will want them because they were disloyal to everyone, including themselves! So, when making our choices we must think that, if today we cannot get where we would like to be, it's ok. Maybe tomorrow it will be our day. But... if we never get there???? Shouldn't we follow the "bad and disloyal guys"? Are there any exceptions or excuses? I guess, this depends on your conscience!...  

Well, I would say that if you would be able to put your head on the pillow at night and sleep like a baby without even thinking that you KNOW you were not the right person for the job, you surpassed/overtook other people's place because you cheated, manipulated things, lied, ... that there was one person ready for that role, the one that had been working very hard for the last 4 or 5 years, had to compromise so many family or social events to be able to focus in what was the final goal and his/her way out, but now - BECAUSE OF YOU, the person is unemployed, frustrated, feeling worthless and a failure... well, I would say - I hope you're happy days are coming to an end! I hope you are exposed very soon! 

We all fit in the world, healthy competition is a good thing - makes us grow, be creative, improve, ... but when this becomes our main focus to eliminate the competition, well that's when things start to go out of track. This is like jealousy - healthy jealous shows love and care, but sick jealousy can kill! We are here to help each other, not to make the other's lives even more miserable! We all die a little bit each day, so there is no need to accelerate that process! 

What is the first thing that comes to your mind about the person you love the most? How about the person you like the least? What do you think is the first thing that comes to people's minds when you come across their thoughts??? Now, it's time for each of us to make an improvement list, start working on it and be able to start ticking things off...as accomplished! It's a long journey but if it's for the better it will be worth it!

We have enough people being selfish and, in their own eyes, there is no one better - they are just perfect - no improvements needed! 😤🙄 Well, we must try to change ourselves in order to don't be anything like that! Don't be scared or ashamed for being different!💪 The world lacks humility, fairness, loyalty, truth, uniqueness, contentedness and just people... So, if you agree, please work side by side with me to be able to become one of the good ones! Let the few odd ones (US) that are still standing against the great majority (too proud/haughty) become noticed for good reasons, by being a good example that people respect and see as a role model! Are you in?! 

Remember: "the last one who laughs is the one who laughs best!" (Portuguese saying, I'm not sure if there is a better way to translate it!😅)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be the way you what to be remembered forever! Be the best version of yourself - the one you would love to have as your best friend! And more important: ALWAYS BE YOU!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How the proud ones see themselves:

How and what do we want to see and be seen:

These last few months my life has been a real mess... Well, I don't blame only Corona, to be honest, it's not its fault at all - for once!...

I'm struggling in all aspects - physical, emotional, and even mentally - to cope and to try finding strength for all events! When we see our life passing by and, seems like we have no control over what is happening it's awful... I feel so powerless!... 

I know life is not fair, we cannot compare ourselves with others, we must fight hard for what we want, ... all that life truths... but, the reality is so much different!!! I struggle to find a balance - work, social life, and my own space... I work too hard, so there is no time for social life (only at work! 😅). My own space, well it's hard to have some when there is not much time left in your mega busy working agenda...

But after, I see so many people on the internet bragging about their financial freedom, how simple do they make it look like and I ask myself: 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If it is that simple, why is the world so messed up? Why are we not all millionaires? Am that stupid that I cannot be one of them???" 

And, this is the bad part... I try to believe that something good can come from less work...just by following this or that method to become a little bit wealthy... Well, there are many so-called the winner method... where should I start??? 

I start making plans in my mind of what I would do first, who I would help, how would I share the same information in order to support others - starting with my loved ones, of course! Gets to a point that the fantasy becomes so real in my mind, that I truly believe that this time will be my chance to do something of myself... 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that is the time that I let my guard down... well, who will be the winner??? Not me for sure! But the scammers that live on the internet disguise the truth with a lot of fake claims and reviews! (In my point of view, there is no question that these are very smart people that don't find jobs challenging enough to keep them off from their boredom! - Believe me, I know what I'm talking about..., but all that intelligence is being wasted by ruining desperate people's lives!) These last years, I've been on that frame of mind - trying to improve my life, working from home, and trying to protect the few physical health that I still have...(not much though!). And if I tell you that, this year alone I've lost more than £3000 on many different scams, you probably will call me completely CRAZY - and I don't blame you, I guess I was...but I was looking for some safety, I was trying to change my life for better, try to be a little bit lucky... Well, life is a ... master in teaching us the worse way possible... so, I've learned to don't justify what can be an excuse to do wrong!!!...

Also, what I've learned so far is, people that who claims to be the most honest, are in reality playing with your feeling and standards. Why is that? They know how rough life has been (that's why we become so blinds) and they "show off" in many different ways (something that we could only dream about), claiming to do it for free or for an insignificant fee. They pretend to be happy to help you, that you really need them, they try to be your friends, to know you a little bit more (the more information they get, the better for them to know your weaknesses) and this is when the pressure starts. Sometimes, I was the one contacting them (email, Messenger, Facebook, ...), so after I was so ashamed that actually, I couldn't accept their help, because I didn't have the money needed to start with... (I shouldn't be ashamed really!!!!)  Well, but I've started thinking: "what is £30 if this will allow me to become free and have time to do what I really enjoy? Is that much? How many times do I spend £30 on things that I probably don't need so much?" And the danger keeps standing there... 

I get so desperate to change my life, that I believe in their very well done and convincing images / videos / shiny products / courses, ... anything that will feed my need for a justification of my (so wanted!) actions and to persuade myself that this is the right thing to do... 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, my hidden greed becomes higher than my rational thinking...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I even go to google to see the product reviews on different websites and youtube channels, and in some cases, all seems to be true... And, as you probably already guessed, I start believing in them and slowly, I start "giving" them my money. That's right - in the end of the day, I'm the one making the payments / transferences... And after one product there is always another one or One Time Offer (OTO) upgrades, ... but to the up sales I'm strong enough to don't fall into it (I would not have the money anyway, even if I would want them badly!) So, their job is done... 

After the purchase, all the adrenaline of exploring it is amazing... for a couple of minutes or hours until I actually notice that the product is crap, doesn't work or even open and there are a lot of things that I cannot do without the upgrades (that I haven't buy!).  😡😡😡 

So, when all that facts come to my knowledge, there is no way I cannot feel betrayed, frustrated, depressed, ... but guess what: IT'S TOO LATE! Most of them have 30 days money back guarantee... but once again guess what: the trouble I will need to go through to (maybe) have my £30 back it's not worthy of the time and energy I have left... So, that's why so many scammers get away with it so easily... And they become rich due to our poor judgment!

I'm more aware of the dangers, not just online, but I'm not free from falling into another trap... no one is! Remember, this is their way of living...they update their methods with the help of the technology's evolution... 

I've found some images that are very informative about life after scams and these have given me some relief and peace of mind. I will share them with you. Each image has the copyrights on it - they are not my own. Please share this content if you want to spare others from scammers... 

Please share this content if you want to spare yourself and others from the scammers' traps... 

When did I give permission for someone to make decisions on my behalf? Who's life is mine? Why would I believe that someone knows better than me what is best for myself if they don't even know how many siblings I have? What does give people the right to "offer" their opinion when it is not asked???

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sick and tired of living a lie... I can't let myself be led by people that, might have the heart in the right place, but don't really know what life looks like. Just because you live inside your own bubble, don't expect that others do the same! Everyone is different, everyone is unhappy in one way or another, but everyone has dreams... and I'm no different! I don't care anymore what is or not acceptable, I'm exhausted to try to be perfect and do what is expected... I'M HUMAN!

I want to be a mum desperately and to be honest, there is not much time left for that...the biological clock is ticking... I will not wait for someone that never comes... 34 years is a looong wait already! 

I've been all my life looking after others - and I love it, don't get me wrong... but, when will be the time for having someone looking after me for a change??? And no, I'm not waiting to get old and to go to a care home for that to happen.... (you are not really being looked after 99% of the time, in there anyway....) for that I prefer to die alone at home... Life is short, people come and go but we are the only constant in our own life... so, why let other draw and plan the path for us? Life is full of mistakes, lessons, coincidences and moments (good and less good). We need all of them to grow, to create our own personalities, make our choices and deal with the consequences. If life was good all the time it would be boring... we would not appreciate things the same way we do now... also, most of the time is in the less good moments that we learn the best gems and that we met the best people. If we would not have bad days, we would not come across certain opportunities as we do! So, we all gain in each and every circumstance... we must adjust our perspective trying to find the positive sides of each situation...

Well, when I say that I would like to be looked after, what am I talking about? Find a rich man, that doesn't want me to work, just to enjoy life and have kids???? Hell, no! I would be bored to death also... I have a lot of good ideas to create my millionaire business, but I have no time, all the skills needed nor enough money to put into practice! I'm eager to learn, to apply, but after a full-time job, my energy went... So, I would love to be able to work from home, have a lovely husband that works and earns well so I can spend my first year investing my time and efforts in my online businesses so, I would be able to compensate him after, as soon as all the businesses starting to work as expected... then, I would be able to have a stable life to bring up my kids... I don't want riches, but live comfortably, without counting every penny (like now!)... but what I need the most is understanding, appreciation, love, affection, someone that trusts and believes in me, so then I will be able to prove my worth... it's bad enough that no one ever believed in me, in my potential ...but I still have a tiny little hope that one day I will prove to the world that this stubborn girl, once again,  made the difference and got what and where she always wanted to be!

One way or another I will prove my point - positive or negatively... so, I would love to have some support... 

I never had a family environment - well, not a good one at least; I never known what love from parents really means... I got used to depending on myself at a very early age, so after all these years I guess I need a little bit of slack and to have someone to share my life with and to have a family that I never had... am I being unreasonable? Too demanding? 

I don't think so!... I'm tired to wait and losing opportunities just because someone else doesn't think it's a good idea... well, too bad. If I bang my head I will be the one feeling the pain, therefore I think I have the right to choose when, where, for how long, how hard and if I want to bang it! If I'm the one getting the consequences I must have some benefits also, right? If I don't ask your opinion, you still can "force it" on me, but don't expect me to give it too much thought... as I've said, at the end of the day I haven't asked for it. 

Life is unfair for everybody... so many people wanting to have children and so many kids are mistreated daily and even killed by monsters so-called "parents"! There are people that are so desperate and wanting to end their lives when, in the next house someone is dying with a terminal and chronic illness, but still would give everything to be able to spend one more week with his beloved ones! Everyone has their own struggles/battles/demons to deal with... even when pretending to have a perfect life. What you see is not the true reality! We cannot see 99% of what someone's life was and/or still is... so, judging and giving tips are the easiest things to do (because we think we know it all! 🙄), but taking time to reflect and try to understand the reasons behind things is where makes all the difference. If you have nothing nice to say, just don't say anything at all... All of us like to be respected, to have freedom of choices and privacy, so why not give to others exactly that in return?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be the best version of yourself... improve every single day... do it for yourself... you deserve it! The others are here just to challenge us and to see us conquer our best dreams! I will be MYSELF no matter what...and the others will make my life harder in order to help me to be resilient and victorious! Believe you're worthy of your own love! And please don't judge...! Each of us has scars that will never be seen or even healed... Don't talk about what you don't know. What you see is not what the person is feeling or dealing with inside...!

 What? Who?

You, me, we... everybody! Life itself...simple existence! What am I talking about here?

Let's start with life... from the day we become really aware of things, until the day of death, we are conscious that everything in the world is fake. How so? We are just used to hear lies - "everything will be all right" or "everything is very bad" - one extreme or the other. When everything is bad it's because it's going to get better, when things are going very well it's because something really bad is about to happen. Nothing is ever just OK...

I hate when people tell me: "you'll see that everything will be fine, you just have to fight for it!". Honestly, I no longer believe in any of this because we spent our whole lives fighting, but what for?! For debt and headaches? "Study to be someone in life" - what? How many people have degrees and are unemployed?

I believe that, in this life, only swindlers and whoever has influential friends in the business can get away with luck, believe what I'm saying! No matter how hard a person tries, there will always be one of these two "groups" outwitting us! And it's not because they're smart, they did things on their own merit, or because they've worked hard for that place, the truth is that someone was already "reserved" the place for them. And then the company tells us with great enthusiasm - "the person who took the place is someone very experienced, has the course we need and fulfills all the requirements!" When we go to see it is the son of Mr. So-and-so, who has not even finished high school, but who "completes all the requirements". I ask myself: "so, study for what?" We just need to be swindlers or have some "good" friends. There will always be those who "leave" us behind. So why should we kill ourselves studying, working hard, for later the son or nephew (wherever) of someone well-known arrives - without even know the difference between a fork and a spoon - and keeps the place that we've fought so much for? What is this, if not a scam?!?

"Everything will be fine!" - one of the biggest hoaxes I've ever heard... EVERYTHING is a word that includes the totality of things... for some to look good, others will have to look less good... Why always use the same cliché? The same lie...? The only time everything will be alright is when we die... we will stop suffering, we will no longer feel,... EVERYTHING will be really fine...

Why you, I, we... are fake? Well, if we were asked: "when are you YOURSELF?" - everyone's answer would be - "ALWAYS!" - of course... (LIE AGAIN)

All of us, from time to time, behave in ways that others expect us to, we say what others want to hear, we act as we think it is suitable to be "in a good standing", ... WE ARE A HUMBUG!

"- I'm not like that!!!" - most (if not all) are saying...

Oh, of course not, all of YOU are people with very strong personalities! The sad part is that when it's time for you to prove it, YOU ARE NOT that strong!... Oops...

    THINK, HOW MANY TIMES...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• ...you went out with a friend of yours who asked you if they were well dressed if you like their hairstyle - or something - and you said - "You are!" or "I do!" (and you didn't think that...) just to don't let the person down;
• ...you went out with someone you liked and you were getting to know better and, although you didn't entirely agree with what he /she was saying when you're asked: "- Don't you think?" - you said "- Yes...";
• ... do you want to pass an image that doesn't correspond to your true SELF at all - in a job interview, in a dating, ... - and you "pretend" a bit to be what you're not?
• you aren't in a good mood ("you are not on one of your days", as I usually say) and you reply "- I'm fine! (what you're going on about?!)";
• ...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you want more examples? Think about your day-to-day life, about the "roles" that society sometimes "forces" us to play so, somehow, we can fit in it...

And if there is someone who says, "I don't behave that way, I'm ALWAYS ME!!!!" - is the biggest liar on the Earth and, moreover, is deceiving him/herself!... We all must swallow 'FROGS' throughout life...

We all use the HUMBUG from time to time, and THERE'S NO ONE WHO DOESN'T! Even when is to sometimes don't put up with others, we just can't be bothered... Now everyone agrees with me: "- Of course, only when I don't want someone to bother me!..."

Those who think they are people with the strongest personalities are actually the weakest!!!

ATTENTION: there is a very big difference between HUMBUG and FALSE/LIAR! The HUMBUG *always* ends up being discovered, whereas the FALSES/LIARS, when the plans are well studied and premeditated, do not *always* get caught...

I'm not saying that we are all a 'bunch' of fakes, but that we are all 'users' (some more assiduous than others) of the HUMBUG!!!

What is your opinion? What do you think???

I don't want to die, I just want to end the pain, the emptiness, the hole inside me... But how? Every day more things come together...I don't have room for anything else! How to end a pain that is part of me? How to end something that lives with me day after day? It's not like a piece of clothing that when dirty we take it off and put it on to wash, returning everything to normal... "This pain is ME!" I tried to ignore it, I tried to put it behind my back, I tried to resolve it and even accept it, but this one took hold of me and it is the one who dominates me! I did my best, my utmost, I tried everything, ... but I had no success! I've got to the point that nothing matters to me anymore, I don't feel anything, I'm so empty that I have to do something to be able to feel that I'm still alive! The heart beats, the lungs get air, and the brain still works (sometimes), but what about me? I'm the one who simply transports all these organs and does what they tell me to do... I don't have a choice anymore, they order and I obey! Is to be like that? NO!!!

Things must change! I tried to do everything I could to change this ending, but the more I try the more it hurts, the more I see it's not worth it. It's not worth fighting alone, it's a losing battle!

If I cannot be more lost, let me be who orders - the boss - for once! It's sad to be surrounded by people and at the same time alone, being with people and not being appreciated, being with people but not being noticed...

All the joy of living was stolen from me year after year, day after day... Until a few years ago, I've just been here, pretending to be always great, with a happy and busy life, when I really just want to scream and cry for hours, say how distressed I am and that I don't quite know why! But that's not acceptable, I'd be pushing people away, I'd be being weak - someone with fragilities and vulnerabilities - and that's not me! I have to be strong for others... But who is strong for me? Nobody, because only 1 or 2 people really took the trouble to get to know me, overcome the obstacles, the barriers I put up, tried to see beyond the obvious, tried to reach me, tried to touch my heart, ... didn't give up on me! Only these are strong for me! Everyone else ignores... It's a lot of trouble trying to figure out why someone tries to push people away. It's easier to give up or not even try!

But this just shows who really deserves something from me, my consideration, concern, respect, and friendship! What you give me is what you get!

I feel so empty that sometimes I have to do something, even if it's wrong, just to try to understand if I can still feel - guilt, for example. How sad it is to get to this point!

Crying with no tears, screaming with no voice, running with no movement, ... I exist but I DO NOT LIVE! For that, it is better to die!